I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing with my summer. I’m working, yes, but other than those 6-8 shifts 4 times a week, I’m doing very little. I watch hours of VH1. I watch Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew 2 (good dancing, but Mario Lopez and Lil’ Mama piss me off). I fiddle around on the computer I just inherited from my sister.
Right now, things are moving slowly. Its not that summer kind of slow, where the days feel longer and all the knots in everyone’s shoulders come undone, its the kind of slow brought on by empty hours desperately trying to be filled with whatever is handy. Its the kind of slow that, when the day is over, you look back and wonder to yourself “what did I do today?” And the silent response you receive is the correct one: nothing.
Is it the post-freshman year blues where everyone realizes that they like their school friends more? For me, I don’t think so. Maybe its the dullness of suburban life dictated by work and parents compared to the wild freedom of college-life. Also not for me. So what is it that has laid a blanket of melancholy on me and so many other people I know? Its startling really, everyone seems to be drifting, hoping that the rain and the wind of our New England weather will push them in the right direction.
Maybe some have been pushed. Others have stayed still. With a few exception, I’ve stood still and unchanging over the past year. There are few stories for me to recount that embody my college experience thus far. My friends from school and my friends from home are incomparable. I’m same the person, which is maybe why I’m spending my first Independance Day since I was seven at home and finding it difficult to get moving.
I’ve lost my coherency, which is probably a reflection of my attitude towards the summer right now: without direction, purpose or clarity. So where does that leave me?
1 response so far ↓
somebody // July 5, 2008 at 3:38 am |
oh Gabe. don’t be down about the summer lull. i feel it too and it can become kind of a self-perpetuating feeling if you can’t get yourself out of it. i don’t know if this is exactly what you’re experiencing, but when my mind isn’t occupied, it tends to drift away from the current moment and seek out the rough edges of my memories. you know, those experiences in your past that you were never quite able to smooth out with reason or closure or time. and you know, there’s a place and time for smoothing the edges with thought, BUT, i think you’ll agree, it’s not a great default. because then you start to attribute that “lull” to those rough edges and you think there is some great mental dilemma holding you back. and i don’t think this is your problem. i think it’s strange to switch between two very different lives as often as we must, leaving so much behind and so abruptly each time. i don’t quite know how to explain but it is a strange way to live. the solution i have found is to fill your time. think of what it is you like to do and plan to do it every day. and give some sense of finality to it. it keeps your mind busy with good things. and then, you enjoy those slow moments, the time you allow yourself to do “nothing”. cuz that’s good too every once in a while.
and keep writing. not just big things and big ideas but any little thing that catches your eye or your breath or makes you laugh or think throughout the day. writing- that’s one of those things that absolutely DOES deserve your time.
best.