On the Horizon

You know that feeling when you have a word on the tip of your tongue but for the life of you, you just can’t say it? I’ve been feeling like that for the past few days. Inexplicably so, it seems like my life is just waiting to happen, but can’t manage to find the fortitude to happen yet. I can feel the future about to happen, and then it leaves me. Frustrated, disappointed and alone. Like I’ve said before, it feels like I’m living on the cusp of something great that is about to happen; like I’m running towards the finish line, and then finding that the end has been moved miles away.

Because tomorrow continues to tease me, its hard to not feel like I’m missing out on something today. But I have no right to feel this way. My life is going incredibly well. My classes are great, I’m excited by my internship and I’ve surrounded myself with people who, above all, enjoy nothing more than spending meaningful time with others. By all diagnosis, I’m happy. And I lead myself to believe that I am. Then why is it that when it’s late, the music is quiet in my room, I feel like an integral piece to the puzzle is missing? Why is that when I sit in my car on the way to and from work that I wonder where I’m going?

Maybe its not that I’m waiting on the future, but that I’m searching for the future. I’m looking to make something, to do something, to meet someone, to be someone. Something that will stimulate my senses. Arouse my emotions. Spark my passion.

I think that may be my problem. They always say look to the future, but at the same time, they want us to live in the moment. I want too much. I make my future too complex and distant, when it should be more realistic. And though I should keep those distant dreams on the horizon, I need to take the first few steps in the direction on my own, rather than waiting for that horizon to come to me. Right now, I’m too far in the future to be happy in this moment. So enjoy this moment Gabe, this very second, because this is the only one you’ll ever get.

The Cusp of Creation (Inevitability)

I am on the cusp of creation. The ideas, the words, the images, the emotions are all forming on the periphery, waiting for the gate to come down so they can race forward off the tip of my tongue and fingers. It’s all there. Sitting. Waiting.

The anticipation, the expectation and the inevitability are all gnawing slowly. I know what is going to happen, regardless of where I am now, yet the waiting still eats at me. Just knowing that I can create something beautiful and meaningful yet being unable to conjur it now is terrible. As patient as I am, I am wearing thin. I want this now. I want to make something that people can see and appreciate. I want something that people will absorb and relate to. I want something that is reflective of who I am, what I can do and what I can be.

Inevitability and anticipation is starting to seep out into the rest of my body. I am wanting so much that I know is just around the corner, yet feels so distant, so impossible, so frustrating. My mind is taking off in different directions all from the same start. I am chaotic. I am focused. I’m finding it difficult to organize my thoughts and put them down into a cohesive structure, but I hope that I am still coherent: I am lost in a sea of ideas and emotions. Thoughts and actions. Creativity and inevitability. I am frustrated and I am hopeful.

So just bear with me.