Thoughts and Actions

Entries from December 2008

Disclaimer

December 31, 2008 · Leave a Comment

In reference to my previous post: bear with me. I’m experimenting with a longer narrative style that’s more akin to a novel rather than a screenplay or the short-form works I’ve been doing. I’m just trying to force myself to write in ways that I’m not very comfortable with and that I know I’m not very good at. The major issue is that I’m starting from mental images and trying to write around them which sort of works for film but not so much for a longer narrative. Thus, I have some really cool things that look awesome…in my head, but they’re kind of difficult to get into words and I need to lead into them, but I guess that’s what good writer’s do.

I think I just implied to myself that I’m not a good writer and I think I generally agree with that statement…

Just bear with me..,

Categories: Uncategorized

Almost Beautiful (c1)

December 31, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Marcus usually woke up to the sound of his father leaving the apartment in his tired Chevrolet, the muffler only barely subduing the car’s groans. By the time his father had forced the car out of reverse, Marcus would be rubbing his eyes with his right forefinger and thumb, cracking his lids open slowly in the face of the sunlight pouring through the edges of his curtains. It would be five minutes until he was fully out his bed, standing awkwardly as he stretched his arms and legs, rousing them from the night as if they too had not slept well. He would slide into the hallway bathroom , piss, wash his face and hands with cold water and return to his room. He would dress casual, relaxed, but always with some consciousness: faded jeans, a slim, vibrant red polo and white shoes with red and blue stripes. He would grab his messenger bag and head downstairs where he would fix himself breakfast and scan the day’s headlines. Thirty minutes after waking, he would be out the door.

But today Marcus awoke to silence. No slamming car doors, no engine groans or gears changing. Had he slept in? He didn’t think he had gone to bed that late, though he hadn’t slept well, but that was nothing new. He hadn’t slept well for two monthes, but his body was slowly getting used to it, adjusting to function with baggy eyelids and a clouded head. But he had already spent too much time thinking, it was time to get going. Marcus went on with the remainder of his morning ritual: washing his face and hands and dressing quickly yet carefully before heading downstairs.

The kitchen is strangely quiet, the kind of silence can only be found after a heavy snowfall. It takes Marcus a minute to realize why. He looks at the microwave only to the find the screen blank. He opens the refridgerator to find vegetables and cheese hiding in the shadows of its darkened interior. That’s what’s so strange, there is no electric whirring of machines creating the background noise that we associate with life.

Marcus’s eyebrows furrow as he searches the rest of the house. He flicks light switches, checks clocks and tries to power up his computer. Nothing. With a vague understanding of their purpose, Marcus hits all of the fuses in the closet and checks again. Still nothing.

“Shit.” He mutters to himself. With his thirty minute morning routine in tatters, Marcus grabs a Clif Bar out of the cabinet and jogs out the door.

It’s unusually sunny and cold, though the two oddities seem to cancel each other out. Marcus walks briskly down the front walkway of his apartment building and notices that his father’s Chevrolet is still sitting on the side of street. His father had not overslept as the room was empty when Marcus checked it in his frantic search for electricity. Perhaps his father had caught a ride into work. Marcus pulled his cell phone out from his pocket as he resumed walking down the street. His father rarely put his phone on, but with the power outage this morning, he’d probably be reachable. Marcus rounds the corner on his block and his father’s phone goes straight to the answering machine.

“Shit” Marcus mutters again. He starts to dial his father’s office when his left foot suddenly goes cold. In his frustration, Marcus had failed to avoid the wide stream that was running along the curb. Shaking his foot of the excess water he continues on his way, walking in the direction of the water’s origin. More city blocks roll by and the stream seems to widen. Marcus has seen no one on the streets, only lonely cars parked along the curb, their tires sitting in a few inches of water. As Marcus progresses, the water rises, making his travels increasingly frustrating as his pants legs quickly dampen. The water is moving at quite a speed and a distant roaring sound can be heard around the corner. Marcus judges that a water main has burst just around the corner and the short remained of his walk should be dry once he passes it. Avoiding the more turbid areas, Marcus finds himself in the middle of the street and facing a high wall of spray. The temperature has dropped and a high wind pushes droplets of water into Marcus’s eyes. The wind, swirling around the high rises moves the cloud of mist around in an eerily animated dance. Squinting through the spray, Marcus searches desperately for the water main, hoping that by remaining in the center of the road he will avoid walking straight into it.

He takes a few steps forward and stops, no longer thinking about how his wet socks are clinging to his toes. The water continues to rush around him but he does not feel it. Standing in the center of the wide avenue, Marcus’s gaze turns upwards as the wind pushes the spray aside for just a moment. But in that gap Marcus finds the broken water main. Two blocks away, forty stories in the sky, water if pouring out of Crane Tower and crashing onto the street below. The waterfall is perfect in every way: the water is a healthy blueish green, a thin rainbow crosses in front of it and it falls smoothly, without division. It was almost beautiful.

Categories: Uncategorized

The Call

December 30, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Well that was awkward. Dropped phone calls, long breaks in dialogue, pushing forward a conversation that long ago had its legs broken. She doubts, she questions, she hesitates. Is she sure in her actions? The subsequent mental pause provides her with the answer. She moves into uncertain territory on uncertain feet. She had closed her eyes and exhaled as she hit “send”, teeth locked tighter with every ring. Fuck, this was a mistake.

“Hey”

Too late.

The voice on the other end is strange, unfamiliar. It makes her voice quiet and quake.

“Hey”

She replies with far less energy that she possesses.

She does not really remember the conversation. Something about snow, Tuesdays and long dog walks. All she had noticed was how his voice gradually began to trail as the conversation slowly died before it was over. When she presses “end,” she is filled with a unique blend of relief, regret and self-depracation. Finally, it was over, but it had gone terribly. She had fumbled for words, having only paid attention to half of what he had said. He had tried, she had not. Not deliberately or out of spite, but merely because her mind had shut off as it had become overwhelmed by its own self. Why? Why was she so stupid to make that call? She had been polite to a point but….

She made a vow to herself to find more self-control and singularity-of-thought. A vow she knew she would not keep even as she conjured it up. And so she was back to to square one: stuck between herself. Between one telephone tower and the other, broken into a thousand pieces of information, she is madly trying to find cohesion before she reaches the other end of the line.

Categories: Uncategorized

The Music Walker

December 22, 2008 · Leave a Comment

He likes to listen to music as he moves, it gives him purpose. He can walk with determination. Walking with a destination. He listens intently as his eyes scan the people and the buildings that pass him by, tying instrumentation and lyrics to the world around him. He likes this pretense because it makes him feel important. Like he has something to think about. His head is filled with music that provides a greater context, a greater meaning to his life. And so, as he walks, he is given purpose and out of that purpose is borne his determination.

And yet, the second he steps out of his head the music stops. He realizes that no one else can hear what he hears. They lack the greater context, the greater meaning. To them, he is only walking. Maybe a little faster that most, maybe his head is tucked in a little more, but he is just walking. They do not know, he thinks to himself. They do not hear the music in concert with their movements. They do not appreciate the beautiful and tragic choreography he creates. In his head, the world is structured, narrative and complete with its soundtrack. But for all those who do not share in his music, the world is unstructured, non-linear and incomplete. It moves forward without chorus or reprise.

He knows this about the world and about himself. And yet he remains buried in his music. He prefers the structure, the meaning. He moves through the crowd with a purpose that no one else understands or even recognizes. But knows this, so he tucks his head in and moves forward.

Categories: Uncategorized

Worth

December 15, 2008 · Leave a Comment

I read something today that I’ve always known to be true about writing but had never put into words so simply:

“We have to prove ourselves worthy. And this need to show ourselves worthy arises out of an unfortunate belief that we are in some sense not worthy — otherwise, why would we be trying so hard to prove it?”

I have heard so many times that everyone goes through the same experiences, thinks the same thoughts, feels the same feelings, yet I never really took it to heart until I read this. I have often wondered if it is selfish to write about myself because my life is not important. No great tragedies. No great feats of heroicm or genius. In fact, my life is very average. So why do I feel the need to tell people about it? It is because that I recognize that I am not special and there is little merit in hearing about life. However, I feel the desire to prove myself to you. I am fighting to be seen as worthy in your eyes. Worthy of my existance, of my life, of my story.

So that is why I write. It is why so many people write. And though the specifics change, in every case a writer just wants to be known. To be seen. To be recognized. To be found worthy of this great life that they have been given.

Categories: Uncategorized

Drama Queen (tentative title)

December 7, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Bitch bitch. Moan moan. That’s all I seem to do. Why should I think that you care? You shouldn’t. I hope you don’t because I’m not that interesting. I am not unique in this. We all believe that what we are and the way we live is important. But more often than not, we are not . What gives me the right to spill angst, guilt, sympathy or pity on you? Because I can string letters and words together in a faintly prosaic manner? Anyone can write, some better than others, but this does not set me apart. That does not make my sentiments special. And to be truthful, my sentiments will never be special. They are common. Shared. Countless others have felt, spoken or written the same. In a thousand languages, both silent and vocal, we all have the same lives.  And so while I wallow in self-pity,  beg for sympathy and pray for understanding, I can only hope that you feel or have felt or will feel the same. Because in a twisted way, that’s what brings us together.

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Ellipsis

December 7, 2008 · 1 Comment

You know what I’ve done? I’ve eliminated the ellipsis. That pause. That breath before I speak.  No hesitation, no doubt, no qualms. My tongue is definitive and my mind is clear.

Not that I know what to say, but when I finally do, I can just say say it. Simple. No questions, no lingering, no conflict. Whatever it is that I think, I will know what it is. Well-marked and delineated. Regardless of norm or right or wrong, I know what I believe, what I think, what I feel.

So what now?

…I don’t know.

Categories: Uncategorized

Warmth

December 6, 2008 · Leave a Comment

There is a song that plays “Experience the warmth/before you grow cold.”

I do not like the warmth that you find at the beachin the summer or year round on the streets of Los Angeles. I do not like it simply because it is just that: warmth. There is no comparison. Just heat. There is nothing to be grateful for.

Rather, I like the warmth that comes from a shower. From skin covered in braille to breathing in the steam. It’s the kind of warmth that wraps around you and brings you comfort and still clings to the mirrors once you leave.

It’s the kind of warmth you feel when you curl up between flannel sheets, staving off the 20’s and 10’s that fill the air beyond your blanket.

It’s the kind of warmth you feel when you step into the sun on a brisk Fall day. When the tip of your nose starts to burn and  pieces of color crumble beneath your feet.

As a term, I call it “New England warmth.” The kind of warmth that comes from relavence. That comes from the cold.

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Organic

December 6, 2008 · Leave a Comment

I don’t really have the words. If I did, I still wouldn’t know what to say. Imagine that: opening your mouth but no sound emerging. Setting your pen down and no ink trickles out.

But those are mechanical errors. This is not a mechanical error. There is nothing mechanical involved. But the errors are real. Everything is organic. But that makes the errors more concerning. Mechanisms can be shut-down, tuned and fixed and restarted. The same can not be said for the organic.

The organic should be able to speak. To write. To think without these errors. It does not break down, it only slows, but never for long. I do not feel slow. My mind is racing. But there is no direction. There is no course. I am moving in every direction and as a result, I am going nowhere.

And so I am still searching for the right words to write down. The right things to say to you. And still nothing comes out.

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